Raspberry Cream And Fear

I've spent my whole adult life looking for a partner.

This isn't to say that I've been obsessed with it, or that I've completely neglected myself and what I wanted. I moved when I needed to move and I did and saw what I needed to do and see when I needed to. I've lived my life. It's always been there in the back of my mind though. I may be going to the gym because I like it, but I know part of me wants to look better to increase my changes of attracting someone. Let's face it, one of the main reasons I became interested in trying yoga was that I knew there'd be women there. Sometimes it seems that it permeates nearly everything I do. Even now, while I'm writing this, I'm thinking about what woman might read it and reach out across the ethers to find me, and this, I think is part of the problem.

When I was in high school, I was so obsessed with working hard to get into a good college that I never took the time to think about what's next. When I found myself attending one, it took several semesters to get my bearings and figure out what to work towards next... A job? Meeting people? Running track? Truth be told, over 14 years later and I still haven't figured it out.

I think it's the same with women. At first, I was a serial monogamist. I thought I'd be so happy to get a gilrfriend that I'd dedicate my very being to making sure I didn't lose her. Well I was and I did and I lost her anyway and thank god for that. Seems with all that hoping and wishing I'd forgotten to realize that it's important that your girlfriend be nice to you. Lesson one. Then came the lesson that it was actually possible that *two* women could both be interested in being my girlfriend at the same time, but there was only room for one. Moral consequences and romantic possibilities danced in my head furiously until it near exploded. Took me a few tries to get that one behind me.

Sooner or later, I figured out that women, much like me, much like the rest of us, are looking to be with someone too. They aren't mysterious creatures who may deign to give you their affections if you're lucky and abide by their every whim. They are actually people with their own sets of wants and needs and, if you've guts enough to go out and talk to them, if you don't hide yourself at home at all times, if you can be reasonably well mannered and nice, stumbling upon one who might actually like you isn't impossible, but only very difficult. So I started to make the effort to get out there and see what I could find.

Much like college, however, I haven't given much thought to what to do next. Marriage? Family? Kids? Sure, but how do I get there? How do I go from first date, to third, to five weeks to three months to ten years? Am I failing because I'm training to be always wanting, waiting, looking? Am I not trying hard enough or trying too hard with the wrong people? I hear my friends wonder about themselves in the same way-- male and female alike-- so I know I'm not the only one, but I feel like with me it's different, that I'm somehow more intrinsically to blame for my problems then they are for theirs.