Do You Remember That Time?

That time in-between?

You are ready. You are so ready after that first date that went so well, after you've called and left your message and then are waiting. It can begin to build up inside you while you wait for that call. You can do crazy things, wondering. This is the time when things most often go awry.

My friend pointed out that this is because it is also the time when things are most fragile. When you still know so little about each other, so there's a tendency to read everything into each little action or lack thereof.

Damn straight.

I wish I could say that I take this part all in stride, that I leave my message and then promptly forget about it and that I never allow myself to vacillate between fantasies of entering into a real relationship-- of travelling together, of waking up on a Sunday morning and listening to the radio in bed-- and then of those where I simply never hear from her again. Outwardly, I think, I'm able to manage a certain grace. I can strike a balance between calling when it's appropriate, without trying to wait the requisite number of days to look cool, and then waiting for a response without becoming overbearing. Inside though, I'm spinning. It's all gone pear-shaped from this point on too many times for me not to have negative associations attached to it. If I'm not careful, the inertia of my own worry threats to topple me and I must remember that I am lucky to be able to feel this way. I am lucky to have the luxury of this chance.

And I am grateful. I really am.