Sweet And Definitive

I would like to think that, if called upon to prove it, I could defend myself and my loved ones in a fight. All men would like to think that, but the truth is, I haven't fought anyone in years and years and I wasn't particularly good at it back then. Chances are I haven't gotten any better. I'm too full of self doubt and second guessing and too afraid to come off seeming like an asshole to really ever get myself in a fighting situation anyway. I'd like to think of that as some sort of non-violent ethic, but that's not really what it is. I'm just scared of what other people would think.

This isn't to say that I want to get in a fight, I don't really, through most men, I imagine, dream of socking someone a good one in the jaw from time to time; a mighty and justified blow. It's just kind of how we think. This is not to say either that I'm a coward exactly. I'm not particularly brave, but I would try, and get the shit kicked out of me if I knew that it was the right thing to do.

For all of my worry about what others think, about trying to please, I don't think I'm particularly good at it. Sometimes, I've learned, people would rather have a straight and confident request than have it explained to them that you understand that you might be putting them out a bit, but that you really have to ask for blah blah blah. Waitresses, maids, co-workers, employees-- sometimes cushioning, apologizing, trying to make someone feel like you're understanding of the unenviable position they're in just reminds them of the unenviable position they are in, or makes it seem like you don't count them as equal to you. Better to acknowledge what's what and deal with the situation as it is. I've realized this and yet I can't quite seem to be able to do it. I wonder why that is.