Hush My Darling, Be Still My Darling...

...The Lion's on the phone.

I was discussing my problem with a friend late this evening, while walking her to her car.

"Are you taking anything new?" she asked.

"I don't take anything."

"Oh. How long has this been going on?" She asked. "When did you notice it?"

"Well, I noticed it last week, but I think it's been going on for a couple months, but it's not just sex... I've no desire for anything. I don't want to go out. I know I joke about it a lot, but I don't really even want a girlfriend."

"Are you becoming a homebody?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think your testosterone is low, like in that story?"

"That's the weird thing. I'm lifting so much lately that, if anything, my hormone levels should be higher."

"Well, the season just changed, so it's not seasonal affective disorder."

"No, I'm not depressed." (I'm not. I feel fine, just a little perplexed.)

And that's when she hit it:

"I know, I'm just trying to figure out what's changed."

It took me a few minutes of thinking about that back in my car before I realized what's changed. I just paid off a large, crushing in fact, debt. For nearly seven years it's hung over my head, for the past four of them I've tried hard to get ahead of it, finally budgeting myself two-and-a-half years ago to pay it down. All that time I let it guide my decisions-- or rather, I let it be my only decision. All I had to do was keep my job and keep paying it. There was no money left over to decide on other things. There was no other life plan except pay it off. I committed myself to my job, my city, my apartment and my budget and promised myself I'd make some decisions when it was done. Well, here it is, two weeks behind me and I still haven't started thinking about what's next. Frankly, I'm scared.

It means more than savings plan. It means buying versus renting, moving or staying, traveling, finding a job that's closer to my life's work, going to school. It means freedom, finally freedom, and I've just started to put roots down. I've met some people. I've lived within one set of walls for the longest period of time since I left my parent's house. I've started volunteering. I took up ocean swimming (there aren't too many cities where you can do that). Even if I don't travel, or move or quit my job, the decision to stay will be just that-- a decision. I'll have to take responsibility for it. I'll have no excuses. This frightens me.

Better to want nothing? Better not to think?

Fuck that. Time to decide.